Procrastination and the power of “So what?”

I’m pretty good at coming up with ideas. I’m also fairly decent at inspiring and motivating others to bring ideas to life. Unfortunately, when it comes to the things that I need to do myself, I don’t always follow through. Sometimes it’s because we all have things that we dread doing and we just put them off. Other times it’s because I get distracted with something that is a higher priority, or, frankly, shinier, and things don’t get done. But what about the things that I say are important to me and that are fairly shiny themselves and I know that I’m capable of doing and I want to do them and I enjoy doing them? I drop those too. Fail.

As I’m walking with Saylor and thinking, I frequently get clarity as to whatever’s been bouncing around in my head. The concept that’s just came to a standstill is that for me procrastination is a battle between fear and inspiration. There’s a lot I want to say and there’s a lot I want to do, but there’s that constant tug-of-war that makes me question the validity of my ideas and the probability of their success. It’s much easier to just not do something than to do it and have it fall on its face.

This is a huge problem for me not only because it means I let people down but also because it goes against a lot of what I think I am, or at least what I want to be. I want to be reliable, dependable, inspirational to myself and others, and lead by example. How can I do that if fear wins the tug-of-war and not the inspiration?

When I eventually take that proverbial step off the cliff then whatever fear I had is no longer relevant because there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve written that article, recorded that video, made that piece of clothing, etc. Even as I write the examples of things that I procrastinate about I can feel self-judgment coming over me because what kind of idiot has any sort of fear around writing an article? Me. I do. WTF?

Even though this piece here is very much stream of consciousness, I promise you I’ve overthought this sufficiently. The conclusion I’ve come to is that no matter how resilient a person can be, the public nature of life nowadays is legitimately terrifying. Every piece of content is scrutinized be it by one person or millions. As I learned with my past few articles, a lot of people are supportive and it feels so good to read your comments. On the other hand, I’m sure there are plenty of people who just can’t be bothered to read and others who subscribe to “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Isn’t it kind of ridiculous that it’s the stuff that we don’t see that ends up lingering in the brain versus just appreciating the positive responses?

“But Magda, you are literally writing this article and you’re about to publish it and you’ve done this with others before so are you just full of shit?” Astute observation, my friend. All these paragraphs in and I haven’t even stated what motivated me to write this particular piece. Look at all the words I used just to try to avoid it. 🙂 Fear is still winning at this point…

The thing I wanted to start forever is a vlog. The idea for it has taken different shapes over the years (yes, I said years), starting with videos of my crazy creatures, DIY videos of all the stuff I make (I sew, I cook, I garden, I do a lot of stuff with my hands every day), and most recently self-esteem boosting content. Every time I started to record, fear took over. Why would anyone want to hear me talk? How am I an authority on how to make anything or how to improve your well-being? Why would anybody watch this? How dumb do I sound? How fat do I look? I got very good at coming up with objections.

So I haven’t done it. I’ve done a few reels on Instagram just to learn how it all works (but I have to say that if it’s not a video of animals, then it’s not that much fun for me to do so I think I’ll skip those for now). I did a series of interviews with other women and a handful of episodes of a self-coaching podcasts with a brilliant friend of mine, Tracy. Both of those had decently good feedback but fear won and I have not continued those.

My motivation for writing this article today is to give myself a push to try it again. After literally years (yes, that’s years again) of dozens of doctors visits and blood tests and feeling like I’m a hypochondriac, I finally have confirmation that my thyroid is under-active. Tomorrow morning I have my first endocrinologist visit and this is the most excited I’ve been about going to a doctor possibly ever. I finally have some answers.

Don’t worry, I don’t want to start putting up videos of doctor visits and thyroid explainers (or maybe I should?). What I would like to do is document my life as I try to get my body back in order, and as I hopefully lose the 40+ pounds I’ve put on for seemingly no reason (the theory is that this was at least partly the thyroid’s doing, or, as the case may be, not-doing). I’ve often thought that my low filter and general lack of embarrassment would be a good fit for something like this. I’m not ashamed to share what I look like and I feel like. I’m also an over-sharer so it all makes sense, yeah?

In general, it sounds like a pretty good idea, right? I mean, if there’s one thing we need a little bit of more of on the Internet and in life, it’s reality. I feel like everything is so polished and produced that it’s hard to have a realistic self-image. I don’t. Maybe this will help? And therein lies my fear.

Women’s bodies are so edited in all the media that I honestly don’t trust any photos I see anymore. And I do mean at all sizes because — let’s be honest — even the ladies who have a bit more junk in the trunk still benefit from good photographers and good lighting, not to mention a bit of photoshop. For me personally, it’s really hard to feel good about how I look after I’ve scrolled through Instagram. Maybe that’s super cliché, but it’s the truth. And what sucks is that I’m sure there are plenty of creators who I would relate to better but the algorithm gods are not supportive of reality, so “pretty and polished” it is. (Perhaps I’ll be able to conquer the algorithm if I intermix some quality cat belly content?)

This article today, like everything I’ve written lately, is parts catharsis, part self-coaching and part just getting my thoughts out of my brain. Do you know what? It’s helping. What I started off wanting to write about is my fears of why I haven’t started the project I just described. All I could think of was, what will people think? What will my ex-boyfriends think? (Yes, I seriously thought that). What if my colleagues think, “OMG Magda is trying to be an Internet celebrity. Yuck.” But then, eureka!

So what?

What if people judge me? What if they hate what I put up? So what? I know I will do whatever I do with the best intent and that it will not hurt anyone. Does it matter what others think? No. If people don’t like it, then they won’t watch the content. It’s pretty simple. And that’s OK. What am I actually afraid of?

What it comes down to is this: I need to do what I think is right, what will make me happy, and what I think will help me. I think this vlog idea will do all of these things. The reality is that the weight gain and the uncertainty as to what has been happening to my body has taken a huge toll on me. I think I’ve been lying to myself about how much it affected me. I’m so used to being strong and to getting through things despite all obstacles that I frequently underestimate just how much things are weighing on me. And this has weighed on me, literally.

My hypothesis is that posting things on a vlog will increase my own sense of accountability to myself so that I keep up with the weight loss through the downs, not just the ups. If things go well, I think it’ll be nice to look back later and see the full journey. And if things don’t go well then perhaps I’ll be able to look back and learn from what went wrong.

What I need to get comfortable with is that I’m doing this for me. If it gives me joy, then the vlog already fulfilled its purpose. Anything else is just a cherry on top.