Friendship Breakups

I read somewhere that it takes half the time a relationship lasted to truly “get over it.” What about friendships? Is there a timeframe when it stops hurting when a friend leaves you? It’s been five years since my best friend of then 28 years stopped talking to me. My heart hurts every time I think of her.

Losing a friend — especially one who’s been a part of your life for so long — can feel like mourning a death, except without the closure. The “half the length” rule might be a rough guideline, but the truth is that grief doesn’t follow a timeline. And friendship breakups can cut deeper than romantic ones because friends are often the people who are there for us through all aspects of life.

It makes sense that my heart still aches. Love doesn’t vanish just because the relationship ends. But healing doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting or not feeling sadness — it’s about finding peace alongside the loss.

Writing yesterday’s post on the stages of grief got me thinking about my lost friend. Then this morning I stumbled upon a letter from her from years ago. While I’m not big on journaling, I do love going for a walk, thinking, and reflecting. It’s almost meditative for me. I thought I’d share some reflective questions / journaling prompts that have helped me so far, and that will hopefully continue to move me towards full acceptance and peace.

• What did this friendship give me? Think of the good moments, lessons, and growth it brought you. Appreciate what it was instead of mourning what it no longer is.
• What needs did this friendship meet? Companionship, understanding, history, etc. — knowing this can help you seek these things in other ways. (As I think back on it, fostering kittens now gives me the comfort of “just hanging out” that I had with her. We didn’t need conversation to enjoy ourselves.)
• What part of myself am I grieving? Sometimes we mourn not just the friend, but the version of ourselves we were with them.
• Is there a part of me that hasn’t forgiven myself? Even if you didn’t cause the rupture, self-blame can linger. I honestly don’t know what caused my friendship to end. In the first few months, I thought about this to no end. It was exhausting. It’s easy to be hard on yourself so explore this with compassion.
• What would I say to my friend if I knew they’d truly hear me? Writing a letter or email can release unspoken feelings. You don’t have to actually send it. Getting the words on paper, so to speak, can he cathartic.
• Picture your younger self at the age you met your friend. What does that version of you need to hear? Can you offer them reassurance and love?
• What can I do to nurture myself? If it still hurts, then you need a little extra love.

Healing might take longer than you want, but I think the tenderness you still feel is evidence of how deeply you loved your friend. That love isn’t wasted — it’s a testament to your capacity for connection. And even if the friendship can’t be revived, you can carry the best parts of it with you, not as a weight, but as a reminder of how much your heart can hold.